陷入感情僵局怎么办?
Exactly What To Do If Your Ex Is Keeping You In Limbo
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2021-02-07 13:05
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火星译客

Today we are going to talk about what to do if you think your ex is keeping you in relationship limbo.

我们今天要讨论的是:如果你的前任让你们的关系陷入感情僵局,你该怎么办?

We'll define exactly what it is, why exes do it, if they still care about you and how you should handle yourself if you end up in a limbo period after your breakup.

我们会明确给出感情僵局的定义,为什么前任这么做,分手以后,如果他们还关心你,你该怎么打破这种僵局。

In other words, we're going to come at this problem from every way imaginable.

换句话说,我们将用任何一种可行的办法来解决这个问题。

First things first, let's define what relationship limbo is in breakups.

首先,让我们明确一下什么是分手后感情陷入僵局。

What Exactly Is Breakup Limbo?

什么是感情陷入僵局?

Breakup limbo is a situation where your ex says or does something that makes you believe that you are guaranteed to get back together in the future, but you aren't together right now.

感情陷入僵局是指你的前任说了或者做了一些什么事情,让你相信虽然你们现在分开了,但是将来你们还会再在一起。

It basically entails giving you small specks of hope so you stay emotionally attached and available for your ex in case they need a fallback option. For some, these type of mixed signals can be devastating.

它会让你看到一点点的希望,感情上你依然会和前任保持着依恋的状态,并且如果他回头的话你会接受复合。对有些人来说,前任发出的一些混杂的信号可能是毁灭性的。

There's actually a really famous scene in the tv show “How I met your mother” that deals with this concept, though they use something slightly different.

在一档情景剧《老爸老妈浪漫史》中,有一个非常著名的场景就是关于这个概念的,尽管他们的情节略有不同。

It's a situation where the main character is really in love with a girl and she's always putting him on the hook – telling him “I'm really into you but I just can't be with you right now.”

这部剧里面有个主角真的爱上了一个女孩,女孩总是吊着他,跟他:“说我真的很喜欢你,但是现在还不能跟你在一起。”

Notice how that “right now” isn't specific to when it ends?

注意,“现在”这个短语没有明确的结束时间。

It's because they don't really have a concrete plan of getting together. The same goes for your ex – they will say or do anything to make you believe that you can't be together “right now”, but you will definitely be together in the future.

因为他们并没有确定要在一起的打算。你的前任也一样,他们会说一些话或者做一些事情让你相信你们只是现在不能在一起,但是将来一定会在一起的。

I hate to spoil it for you but that perfect future where you're together again almost never comes.

我不想让你失望,但是你们很难会再在一起,不会有什么美好的将来。

And why would it?

为什么呢?

Your ex knows they can get away with keeping you on the hook for their needs so why turn it into a full-time relationship.

如果你的前任知道可以吊着你,为什么要绑死自己呢?

Your ex might even directly say “We can't be together right now but can be in the future” when putting you in relationship limbo.

你的前任可能明确说过“我们虽然现在不能在一起,但是将来会在一起。”之类的话,所以让你陷入关系的僵局之中。

Here are some other examples of what they might say that's the same thing:

举些例子,他们可能说过同样的事情:

“I just want to date before WE settle down. Just in case.”

”以防万一,我想先安定下来以后再约会。“

This one is especially interesting because your ex is clearly implying that you're special and might be “The one”, but they need to explore more just to be sure. Sounds like you're a backup option that they're keeping in limbo in case the grass is not greener on the other side.

这句话特别有意思,你的前任明确地暗示你是那个“特别的人”,但他们还需要再摸索一下才能确定。等他们这山望着那山高的时候,你似乎是个不错的备胎。

“I think you're my best friend and you always will be but I'm not ready to settle down yet. Maybe we will in a few years.”

“我觉得你是我最好的朋友而且一直都会是,但是我现在还没有准备好安定下来。可能要再过几年。”

The “best friend zone” is almost like the next level of the friend zone, mainly because best friends usually give a lot more emotional support than other friends.

友达以上,恋人未满的主要是因为好朋友可能相比起其他的朋友能给予更多情感上的支撑。

By calling you their best friend, your ex can tap into all the emotional comfort you give them without the commitment of being in a relationship.

说你是他们最好的朋友,你的前任就可以在不需要任何承诺的情况下得到你情感上的安慰。

Now obviously being in a relationship limbo sucks and you don't feel good when it happens to you.

很明显,处于一段不稳定的关系很糟糕,当这种情况发生在你身上时,你会感觉很不好。

You feel bad for not being their number one choice, but you hold onto just enough hope that you don't get yourself out of this phase. You can go through a lot of complicated emotions in a breakup limbo so we'll get to how you can handle that in a bit.

因为不是他们的首选,你会感觉很糟糕,但是你仍然抱有希望,也不想走出这个阶段。在感情的僵局中你会经历很多复杂的情绪,我们会告诉你如何去处理。

First, let's look into the psychology behind exes who do this.

首先,让我们看看前任们这么做的背后心理。

Why Are Exes Putting You In Relationship Limbo?

为什么前任让你们的关系陷入僵局?

Is it because they enjoy seeing you cry or make you feel bad?

是因为他们想看到你哭还是想让你难过?

Actually, I would argue it's the exact opposite.

事实上,我认为恰恰相反。

I liken this to someone who gets really nervous about a confrontation and as a result they end up conceding things to the other party to avoid an unpleasant confrontation.

有的人面对冲突会神经紧张,为了避免不愉快的冲突,他们会选择让步。

In this case, it could also be the result of a hero complex – your ex already knows they're going to break your heart but instead of breaking it all the way, they break it just enough to leave you with some hope.

在这种情况下,可能出于英雄情结,你的前任知道你会心碎,他们选择给你一点希望,不完全粉碎你的心。

Then they might even break apart bit by bit until they're ready to fully leave you or come back to you if you're still waiting in their relationship limbo.

甚至他们可能一点一点地分手,直到他们要么准备好完全离开你,要么如果你还在等待的话回到你身边。

Now, are they doing this in a malicious manner?

那么,他们这么做是恶意的吗?

Well in my experience, they're not. They're just unaware or not very good at dealing with conflict.

就我的经验来讲,不是的。他们只是不太擅长处理冲突。

What To Do If You Find Yourself In Breakup Limbo

如果发现自己陷入感情僵局,你该做什么?

We've talked about what a relationship or breakup limbo is, how people cover it up, and why they do it, but more importantly, let's talk about what you should do if you find yourself in this situation.

我们讨论了什么是感情僵局,人们如何掩盖它,以及他们为什么这样做,但更重要的是,让我们讨论一下,如果你发现自己处于这种情况下,你应该怎么做。

Honestly, there isn't much actionable advice about this if you look it up.

说实话,如果你查一下资料,并没有太多可行的建议。

It's mostly cliched advice like “work on yourself”.

大部分老掉牙的建议是"自己振作起来"

Don't get me wrong I have plenty of content along those lines because I think it works in most situations, but today I want to share some actionable advice that you can actually implement in a breakup limbo.

不要误会,我有很多让自己振作的方法,大部分情况下确实有用。但是今天我想分享一些你可以在感情陷入僵局的时候,有可行性的建议。

Active strategies Vs. Reactive Strategies

主动性策略和被动型策略

There are two main groups of strategies you could take in the relationship limbo – active and reactive strategies.

在感情陷入僵局的时候有两种策略:主动性和被动性。

Reactive strategy: Any strategy where you don't have any agency yourself. You're essentially letting your ex make the moves while you react to their actions and decisions. Examples of reactive strategies include:

被动性策略:

你自己没有任何行动,等前任采取行动,对他们的行动和决定做出反应。比如:

  • Waiting for your ex to call or respond
  • Stalking their Facebook profiles or Instagram profiles

等待前任打电话或者回复。

追踪他们Facebook和Ins上的动态

These are not things that you're actively doing to improve your situations, they're things that you are reacting to.

这并不是你为了改变情形而去主动做的事情,只是基于前任的行为你做出的反应。

Sitting around for your ex to contact you or hovering around their social media to catch glimpses of their life will not help you get them back or crawl your way out of the breakup limbo. If anything, such reactive strategies might drive you further into limbo if your ex considers you to be too clingy.

干坐着等前任联系你,或者偷偷关注他们社交媒体上的动态,对复合或者打破僵局都没有任何帮助。反而会让你的前任认为你太粘人,对你渐行渐远。

Instead, you need to focus on active strategies.

相反的,你需要采取主动性策略。

Active strategy: Anything you can do that gives you some sense of control and ownership over your situation. Examples include:

主动性策略:任何能给你控制感和归属感的事情。比如:

  • Following a no contact rule
  • Reaching out to your ex first

遵循不联系规则

先联系你的前任

Both of these examples put you in the driver's seat of the breakup you get to decide when you ignore your ex and for how long.

所有这些例子都让你稳稳地掌握分手的主动权,由你来决定是否忽视你的前任,忽视多久。

When you're ready to talk to your ex again, you reach out to them on your own terms.

你准备好再次联系你的前任时,按自己的方式去联系。

The Availability Issue

唾手可得的问题

It's fairly simple to remember that active strategies are always going to work better than reactive strategies, especially in scenarios like this where you're stuck in limbo.

要记住,积极主动的策略总是比被动等待的策略更有效,尤其是在你陷入僵局的情况下。

However, there's another aspect of limbo that a lot of experts miss – the issue of limbo is essentially an availability one.

然后,许多专家忽视了僵局的另一面,僵局问题本质上是唾手可得问题。

I know I said that the reason your ex might keep you in limbo is to avoid confrontation and serve their own hero complex but there's another really obvious reason too: they do it because they can.
It's really that simple. If your ex knows you will always be there for them, emotionally and physically, they will feel very comfortable keeping you in limbo.

我知道我说了一些你的前任让你陷入僵局的原因,避免冲突或者说满足他们的复杂英雄情结,但是也有另外一个很明显的原因:他们这么做是因为他们可以做到。很简单,如果你的前任知道不管是感情上还是身体上,你都会一直在原地等他们,他们会心安理得的让你处在这种不确定的状态中。

After all, you're a safe bet because you have made yourself too available.

总之,你是一个安全的赌注,因为你唾手可得。

Now a couple of weeks ago I talked about the science and art of playing hard to get and why it works so well.

几个星期以前,我谈到了为什么欲擒故纵的技艺会这么奏效。

Limbo is the exact opposite of that.

而感情陷入僵局恰恰相反。

If playing hard to get is staying aloof and keeping busy in your own world, the breakup limbo is being too available to your ex.

如果欲擒故纵意味着你孤身一人,忙于自己的世界,那么感情之所以陷入僵局是因为对你的前任来说你太唾手可得。

Here is your ex's thought process about your availability during the breakup limbo:

以下是你的前任在进入分手僵局的时候对你的一些看法:

What they say: “I want to date other people and see what's out there so I can make my way back to you.”

他们说:“我想跟别人约会看看外面的世界,然后我就会回到你的身边。”

What they mean: “I know that you're pathetic enough to wait around for me so I know that I can get away with taking advantage of you. I can go and date as many people as I want, and you'll still be there when I come back”.

他们的意思是:“我知道我走了你也会可怜兮兮的等着我,何不利用这一点,跟其他我想约会的人约会,反正等我玩腻了回来的时候你还会等着我。”

They are disrespecting you on this level so how do you tackle it.

他们对你如此的不尊重,你该怎么办?

Do you disrespect them back? No. You just prove to them that you're not as available as they think you are.

你也以牙还牙吗?不,你只要证明你不是他们想象的那样触手可及就行了。

Human relationships are quite simple when you boil them down – it's all a big competition where you are always trying to find the person who you think best meets your needs but also minimizes the costs.

归根结底,人与人之间的关系非常简单——这是一场巨大的竞争,你总是在找那样一个人,一个可以可以迎合你所有需要的人,但是邮箱把成本降到最低。

That's why a lot of men are not attracted to super anxious women.

这就是为什么很多男人不会被超级焦虑的女人吸引。

They don't want to deal with the emotional burden of being with someone who constantly berates them for not responding on time or keeps texting them while they're at work. All this obsessive anxious behavior makes your ex think you're emotionally unstable and high maintenance.

他们不想和那些不断指责他们没有及时回复或在工作时一直给他们发短信的人在一起。所有这些强迫性的焦虑行为会让你的前任认为你情绪不稳定,难以维持。

They are looking for a bit more control rather than this chaos.

比起这种一团乱麻的状态,他们更想要自己可控的状态。

Being able to keep you in break up limbo is the biggest way for your ex to control you after a breakup because you have made yourself too available. That's why you need to do the exact opposite and take back some control and challenge their perception of your availability.

分手以后,前任让你陷入分手后的僵局,是最大限度的控制了你。因为你对他来说依然唾手可得。这就是为什么你要采取些完全相反的行动,并且拿回一些主动权,挑战一下他们对你触手可及的看法。

Do whatever you have to do to make them see that you are not as available as they thought you were.

做所有你能做的事情,让他们知道你不是那么容易接近的。

You could take up a new hobby, go traveling with friends, spend more time at work, etc. – the less time you spend as a doormat for your ex, the more they will respect you and change their perception of you.

你可以培养一个新的兴趣爱好,可以跟朋友去旅行,多花一些时间在工作上,等等。你花在前任身上的时间越少,他们会越尊重你并且会改变对你的看法。

They will look at you and see they had you pegged wrong and they clearly made a mistake. If you play your cards right and show your ex you're not available for them they may even panic and ask for you back for fear of losing you forever!

他们会发现他们显然犯了一个错误,把你看错了。如果你处理得当,向你的前任表明你不会再在他们身边了,他们甚至会因为害怕永远失去你而惊慌地要求你回来。

Conclusion:

结论:

A relationship or breakup limbo is when your ex leads you on by saying they don't want to be with you right now but will get back to you in the future.

一段感情陷入僵局指的是你的前任说他们现在不想和你在一起,但是以后会回到你身边之类的话引导着你。

Your ex might do this to avoid confrontation and serve their own hero complex by softening the blow of the breakup.

你的前任可能会为了避免冲突且因为自己复杂的英雄情结降低分手的

You need to adopt active strategies like the no contact rule to show your ex who's in control and that you're not available for them whenever they need you.

你需要采取积极主动的策略,比如遵守不联系规则以示控制权并且在让他们知道在需要你的时候,你不会随叫随到。

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