当前任觉得可以找到比你更好的人,你该怎么做
Exactly What To Do If Your Ex Thinks They Can Do Better Than You
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2021-02-11 22:50
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火星译客

It's heartbreaking to hear your ex say that they can do better than you, even if that's what most exes believe when they initiate breakups.

虽然在刚分手的时候,大部分前任都说过能找到一个比你更好的人,但当你听说他们真的找到的时候还是会很难过。

I recently talked about the dark twin of this when an ex says you can do better than them so you might want to check that out for the opposite perspective too.

我最近谈到了这个问题提的“黑暗双胞胎”,当前任说你会找到更好的人,你也可以从相反的角度来看。

Today we're going to unpack three things about an ex who says they can do better than you:

今天我们来解析一下他们这么说的三个原因:

  1. Do they mean it?
  2. The context in which it was said.
  3. What you should do going forward

1.他们真的这么认为吗?

2.他们在什么情况下说了这种话。
3.你该怎么做才能往前看。

Let's begin!

开始吧!

Does Your Ex Mean It When They Say They Can Do Better Than You?

当前任说他们会找到比你更好的人时,真的是这样想的吗?

Yes, they mean it… in the moment.

是的,至少……那一刻是这么想的。

This is a controversial take but I'm not going to sit here and sugarcoat stuff for you.

这点确实颇有争议,我也无意在此给你吃糖衣炮弹。

When your ex says this, they do mean it because they truly think there's someone better out there for them.

当你的前任这么说的时候,他们确实认为他们可以找到比你更好的人。

However, that “in the moment” caveat at the end is really important here because some people incorrectly assume that when an ex says they can do better than you it means something like they never loved you or never had feelings for you or will never come back to you.

然而,注意到“那一刻”这点是非常重要的,当前任说他们会找到一个比你更好的人的时候,有些人会错误地认为他们从来没有爱过你,或者从来没有对你有感觉,或者永远不会回到你身边。

That's not necessarily the case because it depends on the context and timing of when they say it.

完全没必要这么想,因为这要看他们是在什么情况下,什么时间说的这句话。

The Context In Which An Ex Says This Is Important

前任说这句话的语境是很重要的

An ex will usually say this during a really emotional moment.

前任通常会在非常激动的时候说这句话。

Remember the old adage “when emotions run high, logic runs low”?

古语有云:生气的时候智商是负的。

Well, that's probably what's happening here too.

所以,可能这也是为什么他们会说这种话的原因。

Most times exes say such statements during an argument and in the context of an argument, they'll say whatever they can to hurt you as much as possible, even if it's not entirely true.

大多数时候,前任会在吵架时说这些话,就算不是真的,也会想尽办法说一些可能伤害你的话。

What To Do If Your Ex Thinks They Can Do Better Than You?

前任说他会找一个比你更好的人,怎么办?

Now that you know your ex probably meant what they said because of high emotions, what do you do about it?

现在,你知道前任可能是意气用事说了这些话,那你该怎么办?

Well, the general consensus for the solution revolves around the idea of making them regret their decision.

一般的解决方案是让他们后悔自己的决定。

Now this might sound simple, but a lot of people are unable to create these feelings of regret in their ex's mind because they don't fully understand the psychology behind regret.

这听起来很简单,但是很多人做不到这一点,因为他们不懂后悔背后的心理机制。

The first part of dealing with regret is understanding where emotions are derived from.

设法让他们后悔的第一步,是弄清楚他们情绪化的原因。

“Emotions arise in response to events that are important to the individual's goals, motives or concerns”

情绪产生于对个人目标、动机或关注的重要事件的反应。

Generally speaking, if something happens with a person's goals, motives, or concerns, both negative and positive, an emotion is bound to get created. For example, if you've been working hard for a promotion at work you will feel excited and fulfilled when you finally get it.

一般来说,一件事的发生跟个人目标、动机或关注有关的,消极的和积极的情绪都只是对情绪的应激反应。比如说,你为了晋升努力工作,最终实现的时候会感觉到激动和满足。

Regret is the antagonist to this idea because regret is an emotion that arises when an event DOES NOT OCCUR. An event that might have been… It's a fantasy.

这种想法的对立面是后悔,后悔是对以前没有做的事情感到难以释怀,而不断地埋怨和懊恼,幻想着一件本来可能发生的事情。

Regret is an emotion that you feel when you know you made the wrong decision and in retrospect, you wish you could have made a different one.

后悔是回想一些事情可能做了错误的决定时的懊恼情绪,你多希望自己做了另一个决定。

An example could be getting passed up for a promotion.

比如错过了一次晋升的机会。

The event/promotion did not occur so you feel regret, wondering what you could have done better to improve your chances.

因为没有得到晋升,你感到很遗憾,幻想着自己如果做的更好的话就能到这个机会。

Another interesting thing about regret is that it requires a lot of introspection – deep thinking about lost opportunities and what could have been. People don't usually like to think about their mistakes though so you can't assume your ex will automatically regret thinking they can do better than you.

另一件有趣的事是后悔需要经常反思,反思自己为什么会错失良机,反思本来可能发生的情况。通常情况下,人们不喜欢经常去反省他们的错误,所以你不要指望你的前任会自己后悔对你说了能找到一个比你更好的人这种话。

Ultimately if you want to understand how to create regret, we need to look at the three pillars of regret.

最后,如果你想了解怎样触发后悔,我们需要看看三个关键要素。

Regret Pillar #1: Time Must Pass

关键#1:时间要长

So, it doesn't take a genius to realize that time has to pass for someone to regret their decisions. What's really interesting is the distinction between the length of time and what kind of decisions or actions people regret.

即使是天才也不会意识到,必须要经过一段时间,人们才会后悔自己的决定。真正有趣的事是区分触发后悔的时间长度和人们后悔的决定及行为类型。

According to psychology today,

据《今日心理学》报道,

“Over short time periods, people are more likely to regret actions taken and mistakes made—whereas over long time periods, they are more likely to regret actions not taken, such as missed opportunities for love or working too hard and not spending enough time with family.”

从短期内看,人们更有可能对已经做过的事情或犯过的错误感到后悔;从长期看,他们更有可能对没有做过的事情感到后悔,比如错过了恋爱的机会,工作太努力或是没有花足够的时间陪伴家人。

This research totally backs up what we're finding out from our success stories.

这项研究完全符合我们在成功案例中的发现。

The best success stories had significantly longer periods of time between their breakup and getting back together.

最成功的一些案例从分手到复合都用了相当长的时间。

There's a reason why our process does take longer but is also arguably more successful than everyone else's – that's because we take enough time to create that kind of regret where they're looking or fantasizing about a future that could have been instead of just trying to immediately get fast results.

我们在这个过程耗费较长时间是有原因的,但也可以说是比其他人任何人的更成功。比起速战速决,我们需要足够的时间在他们正在找寻或者幻想本可能的未来的基础上触发他们的后悔情绪。

Regret Pillar #2: You Must Become A Catalyst For Regret

关键#2:你必须成为后悔的催化剂

The easier it is to envision a different outcome, the more likely we are to regret a lost opportunity.

越容易设想出一种不同的结果,我们就越有可能对失去的机会感到后悔。

This roughly translates to the “show them what they're missing” mentality during a no-contact rule where you live your best life and share it on social media etc. to create the catalyst that makes your ex wish they could have been there sharing those experiences with you.

大致可以解释为,抱以不接触规则的心态,在社交媒体上分享你过的多么好,让他们看看他们错过了什么。

A great example of creating a catalyst for regret is Coach Anna's story about the rose bowl text.

安娜教练关于玫瑰碗比赛(年度性的NCAA美国大学美式足球比赛)的故事就是一个很好的例子。

We talk about this example often on our podcasts together because it was such a simple, but an effective text to create feelings of regret.

我们经常会在播客上谈论这个案例,它很简单,但让人产生后悔的感觉很奏效。

When coach Anna was at the beginning of our program, she used a text on her ex-boyfriend while she was at the rose bowl. The rose bowl is basically this huge college football game at the end of the year when the two best teams battle it out. Coach Anna went to the rose bowl with another guy and sent her ex a picture of them enjoying the rose bowl together.

在我们节目的开始,安娜教练说她在玫瑰碗比赛的时候给她前男友发了一条短信。玫瑰碗基本上就是年底美国大学的足球比赛,由两支最好的球队决一雌雄。安娜教练和另一个男人一起去看玫瑰碗比赛,并给她的前男友发了一张他们一起看球的照片。

This worked because it created regret that made her ex wish he was the one next to her at the game.

这确实有用,使他前任懊恼又后悔,多希望陪她看比赛的人是他自己。

So ultimately, if you want to create regret in your ex, you need to say or post something exciting online that makes your ex wish they were there with you.

所以,最终想引发你前任的后悔情绪,你需要在网上放一些激动人心的事,一些你前任希望陪你做这些事的人是他的事。

It's even better if you can personalize the catalyst to your ex or past relationship to pull at their heartstrings more.

如果你能把你的前任或过去的恋情当成催化剂,更多地拨动他们的心弦,那就更好了。

Had your first date at a specific restaurant? Go to that restaurant with friends (or a new date) and post pictures that send your ex on a trip down memory lane. Always talked about going to Hawaii with your ex? Go alone or with whoever you want and be sure to post all about it so your ex regrets missing out.

你们第一次约会是在某个特别的餐厅吗?和朋友(或新的约会对象)一起去那家餐厅,上传照片,让你的前任回想起往事。有没有总是和前任说起想去夏威夷?自己去或者和任何你希望的人一起去,一定要把这些都贴出来,让你的前任后悔错过了。

Pillar #3: The Importance of Momentum

关键#3:动力的重要性

While pillar number two was talking about the importance of becoming a catalyst, pillar three helps you actually become it over the long term. A lot of people go through breakups and start feeling sorry for themselves. They become anxious and obsess over their ex to the point that everything else in their life takes a backseat.

如果第二个关键点讲的是成为催化剂的重要性,那么第三个关键点就是让你长期成为催化剂。很多人在经历分手后感到很难过,他们感到焦虑,对前任念念不忘,对其他事情都提不起劲。

These people are easily distracted and unable to focus on anything except the negative emotions of their breakup.

这些人很容易分心,除了分手带来的消极情绪,不能集中精力做任何事情。

One of my first ever coaching clients had this problem.

我第一个辅导的客户就有这样的问题。

We would get on a coaching call and I would sit there and say exactly what actions she needed to take and what goals she needed to set for herself. She'd respond enthusiastically and be super excited to achieve those goals. But then when I checked in with her two weeks later, she hadn't actually accomplished anything.

我们会先通过电话进行指导,我坐在那里告诉她需要采取哪些行动,需要为自己设定哪些目标。她会热情地回应,并且为实现这些目标会表现得异常兴奋。但是两周以后我随访的时候,实际上她没有完成做到任何一件事。

Now, this wasn't entirely her fault because I have an ongoing war with goal setting and how it can be unrealistic/unsustainable.

这并不完全是她的错,因为我需要跟她设定的那些不现实或者不可能的目标进行抗争。

Goals Vs. Habits

目标vs习惯

I believe goal setting is not as effective as creating healthy habits. Healthy habits ultimately get you into the groove and momentum of achieving your goals.

我认为设定目标不如养成健康的习惯有效。养成健康的习惯最终会让你进入达成目标的最佳状态和动力。

What I should have done with that coaching client isn't setting specific goals, it should be getting her to take an action to create some type of a healthy habit that would eventually lead to hitting that goal.

我需要做的并不是为我的客户设定特别的目标,她应该要做的是养成一些最终能达成目标的健康习惯。

You should do the same thing.

你也应该这么做

Think of a goal such as running a marathon and then start diligently training for it each day.

试想一下,如果你定了一个跑马拉松的目标的话,就会每天刻苦练习。

That way, you're building up a sustainable habit of exercising every day and you can continue that even after your marathon. If your ex always wanted to run a marathon with you, seeing you complete a marathon would spark regret, but seeing you train for it every day would be even better as they'll regret each time they are unable to train with you.

这样,你会养成一个每天锻炼的习惯,并且在马拉松结束之后你也能保持这种习惯。如果你的前任总是想跟你跑一次马拉松,在看到你完成了马拉松后会感到后悔,看着你为之训练会变得更好,他们每次不能跟你一起训练的时候同样也会感到后悔。

Sure, Coach Anna's rose bowl text was an amazing example of instant regret, but it was also a stroke of luck. But you don't need to attend a big event to create or become a catalyst for regret. Sometimes it's as simple as being strategic and smart about what you post on social media.

当然,安娜教练的玫瑰碗短信是一个神奇的关于后悔的案例,但它需要些运气。你不需要去参加一个大的活动来制造后悔催化剂,有时候,这很简单,只要对你有技巧的在社交媒体上发布内容就行了。

You might not always feel like posting on social media because you haven't done anything particularly “noteworthy”, but if you start creating healthy habits for yourself, you'll notice it becomes a lot easier!

你你还没有做什么特别值得注意的事情时,可能不想总是在社交媒体上发帖,但如果你开始为自己培养健康的习惯,你会发现这变得容易多了!

Conclusion:

结论:

If your ex says they can do better than you, they mean it in that moment. Usually, though, an ex says this during an emotional argument, so they'd say anything to hurt you.

如果你的前任说他们可以找到比你更好的人这之类的话时,那一刻他们是认真的。但通常他们说这种话,是在争吵激烈时,所以他们会说任何能伤害你的话。

Don't take this as a dead-end in your ex recovery process, instead try to instill the feeling of regret in your ex for saying this and breaking up with you.

不要以为两个人的复合就此走进了死胡同,相反,试着向你的前任灌输一种后悔的感觉,一种因为他说的这些话并和你分手而后悔的感觉。。

Here are the three pillars of regret that can help you understand how to create regret:

这里有三个关于制造后悔的关键要素可以帮到你:

  1. Time must pass
  2. You must become a catalyst for regret
  3. The importance of momentum

1:时间要长

2:你必须成为后悔的催化剂
3:动力的重要性

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