10 basic rules let you enjoy better conversations
2020-11-24 08:45

So I have 10 basic rules. I'm going to walk you through all of them,but honestly,if you just choose oneof them and master it,you'll already enjoy better conversations. 



Number one: Don't multitask. 


And I don't mean just set down your cell phone or your tablet or your car keys or whatever is in your hand. I mean,be present. Be in that moment.Be in that moment. Don't be thinking about your argument you had with your boss. Don't be thinking about what you're going to have for dinner. If you want to get out of the conversation,get out of the conversation,but don't be half in it and half out of it.



Number two:Don't pontificate.


If you want to state your opinion without any opportunity for response or argument or pushback or growth,write a blog.Now,there's a really good reason why I don't allow pundits on my show:Because they're really boring. If they're conservative,they're going to hate Obama and food stamps and abortion. If they're liberal,they're going to hate big banks and oil corporations and Dick Cheney. Totally predictable. And you don't want to be like that. You need to enter every conversation assuming that you have something to learn. The famed therapist M.Scott Peck said that true listening requires a setting aside of oneself. And sometimes that means setting aside your personal opinion.He said that sensing this acceptance,the speaker will become less and less vulnerableand more and more likely to open up the inner recesses of his or her mind to the listener. Again,assume that you have something to learn.Bill Nye:"Everyone you will ever meet knows something that you don't." I put it this way:Everybody is an expert in something.


Number three:Use open-ended questions.


In this case,take a cue from journalists. Start your questions with who,what,when,where,why or how. If you put in a complicated question,you're going to get a simple answer out.If I ask you,"Were you terrified?" you're going to respond to the most powerful word in that sentence which is"terrified",and the answer is"Yes,I was"or "No,I wasn't." "Were you angry?" "Yes,I was very angry."Let them describe it.They're the ones that know. Try asking them things like,"What was that like?" "How did that feel?" Because then they might have to stop for a moment and think about it,and you're going to get a much more interesting response.


Number four:Go with the flow.


That means thoughts will come intoyour mind and you need to let them go out of your mind. We've heard interviews often in which a guest is talking for several minutes and then the host comes back in and asks a question. which seems like it comes out of nowhere,or it's already been answered. That means the host probably stopped listening two minutes agobecause he thought of this really clever question,and he was just bound and determined to say that. And we do the exact same thing. We're sitting there having a conversation with someone,and then we remember that time that wemet Hugh Jackman in a coffee shop. And we stop listening.Stories and ideas are going to come to you. You need to let them come and let them go.

这意味着想法进入你的脑海,你需要让它们从你的脑海中消失。我们经常听到这样的采访:一位嘉宾讲了几分钟,然后主持人会来问一个问题。这个问题看起来很突兀,或者已经回答过了。这意味着主持,人可能在两分钟前停止了倾听,因为他想到了这个非常聪明的问题, 他就是一定要这么说。我们做的事情完全一样。我们坐在那里和某人交谈,然后我们想起了那次在咖啡店遇到休.杰克曼。我们就会停止倾听。你会有很多故事和想法。你需要让它们来去自如。

Number five:If you don't know,say that you don't know.


Now,people on the radio,especially on NPR,are much more aware that they're going on the record,and so they're more careful about what they claim to be an expert in and what they claim to know for sure. Do that. Error on the side of caution. Talk should not be cheap.


Number six:Don't equate your experience with theirs.


If they' re talking about having lost a family member, don't start talking about the time you lost a family member.If they're talking about the trouble they're having at work,don't tellthem about how much you hate your job. It's not the same.It is never the same. All experiences are individual. And,more importantly,it is not about you.You don't need to take that moment to prove how amazing you are or how much you've suffered. Somebody asked Stephen Hawking once what his lQ was,and he said,"I have no idea.People who brag about their IQs are losers."Conversations are not a promotional opportunity.


Number seven:Try not to repeat yourself.


It's condescending,and it's reallyboring,and we tend to do it a lot. Especially in work conversations or in conversations with our kids,we have a point to make,so we just keep rephrasing it over and over. Don't do that.


Number eight:Stay out of the weeds.


Frankly,people don't care about the years,the names,the dates,all those detailsthat you're struggling to come up with in your mind. They don't care.What they care about is you. They care about what you're like,what you have in common.So forget the details. Leave them out.


Number nine:This is not the lastone,but it is the most important one. Listen. 

I cannot tell you how many really important people have said that listening is perhaps the most,the number one most important skill that you could develop. Buddha said,and I'm paraphrasing,"If your mouth is open,you're not learning."And Calvin Coolidge said,"No man ever listened his way out of a job." Why do we not listen to each other?



Number one,we'd rather talk. When I'm talking,I'm in control.


I don't have to hear anything I'm not interested in. I'm the center of attention. I can bolster my own identity. But there's another reason:We get distracted.The average person talks at about 225 word per minute,but we can listen at up to 500 words per minute. So our minds are filling in those other 275 words.And look,I know,it takes effort andenergy to actually pay attention to someone,but if you can't do that,you're not in a conversation. You're just two people shouting out barely related sentences in the same place.You have to have to listen to one another. Stephen Covey said it very beautifully. He said,"Most of us don't listen with the intent to understand. We listen with the intent to reply." One more rule,number 10,and it's this one:Be brief.

但如果你做不到这一点,你就不是在谈话。你们只是两个人在同一个地方喊出几乎不相关的话。你必须倾听彼此的心声。斯蒂芬·科维说得非常好。他说,“我们大多数人不会带着理解的意图去听。还有一条规则,第10条,就是: 简明扼要。

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