如何跟孩子谈性教育?
How do you talk to your child about sex education?
1238字
2020-10-23 16:23
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火星译客

I remember my aunt brushing my hair when I was a child. I felt this thing-ling in my stomach, this swelling in my belly. All her attention on me just me. All her attention on me, just me. My beautiful Aunt Bea, stroking my hair with a fine-bristled brush. Do you have a memory like that you can feel in your body, right now? Before language, we are all sensation. As children, that is how we learn to differentiate ourselves in the world, through touch. Everything goes in the mouth, the hands, on the skin.

我记得姨妈在我小时候给我梳头的情景,我感到胃里一阵刺痛,肚子里翻江倒海。她所有的注意力都在我身上,只有我一个人。我美丽的姨妈贝亚,用毛刷温柔地抚摸我的头发。你是否有这样的记忆,你现在能亲身感受到么?在会说话之前,我们都有知觉。作为孩子,这就是我们如何学会在世界上区分自己,通过触摸。

Sensation, it is the way that we first experience love. It’s the basis of human connection. We want our children to grow up to have healthy intimate relationships. So as parents, one of the things that we do is we teach our children about sex. We have books to help us, we have sex education at school for basics. There’s por n to fill in the gaps, and it will fill in the gaps. We teach our children “the talk” about biology and mechanics, about pregnancy and safe sex, and that’s what our kids grow up thinking that sex is pretty much all about.

所有的东西都放在嘴里、手里、皮肤上。知觉,是我们第一次体验爱的方式。这是人际关系的基础,我们希望我们的孩子长大后拥有健康的亲密关系。作为父母,我们要做的事之一就是教会孩子性。我们有书来帮助我们,我们在学校进行基础的性教育。有色 情片来填补空白,它会填补空白。我们给我们的孩子开展关于生物学和力学、怀孕和安全性行的“座谈会”。这就是我们的孩子在成长过程中认为性就是一切的原因。

But we can do better than that. We can teach our sons and daughters about pleasure and desire, about consent and boundaries, about what it feels like to be present in their body and how know when whey are not. And we do that in the ways that we model touch, play, make eye contact, all the ways that we engage their senses, We can teach our children not just about sex, but about sensuality. This is the kind of talk that I needed as a girl. I was extremely sensitive, but by the time I was an adolescent, I had numbed out.

但我们可以做得更好。我们可以教我们的儿子和女儿 和欲望,关于准许和界限。关于它存在于他们身体的感觉以及知道什么时候他们的感觉消失。我们可以通过模仿触摸、玩耍、眼神交流来做这些,利用他们感官的所有方式。我们不仅可以教会孩子性知识,还可以教会他们感官享受。这就是我作为一个女孩需要的那种谈话。我非常敏感,但当我还是个青少年的时候,我已经木讷了。

The shame of boys mocking my changing body and then girls exiling me for, ironically, my interest in boys, it was so much. I didn’t have any language for what I was experiencing, I didn’t know it was gonna pass. So I did the best thing I could at the time and I checked out. And you ca not isolate just the difficult feelings, so I lost access to the joy, the pleasure, the plat, and I spent decades like that, with this low-grade depression, thinking that this is what it meant to be a grown-up.

男孩们嘲笑我身体的变化,然后女孩梳理我,讽刺的是,我对男孩感兴趣。这样的事太多了。我没有任何语言来描述我所经历的,我不知道它一直存在于过去。所以,那时候我做了我所能做的一切,并且自我检讨。你不能只隔离困难的感觉,所以我失去了欢乐、快 感和玩乐的权力。我就这样度过了数十年,带着轻度抑郁,心想着这就是长大的意义。

For the past year, I have been interviewing men and women about their relationship to sex and I have heard my story again and again. Girls who were told they were to sensitive, too much. Boys were taught to man up, “Don’t be so emotional.” I learned I was not alone in checking out. It was my daughter who reminded me of how much I used to feel. We were at the beach. It was this rare day. I turned off my cellphone, put in the calendar, “Day at the beach with the girls.” Laid our towels down just out of reach of the surf and fell asleep. And when I woke up, I saw my daughter drizzling sand on her arm like this, and I could feel that light tickle of sand on her skin and I remembered my aunt brushing my hair.

在过去一年里,我一直在采访男人和女人关于他们与性的关系,我一遍又一遍的听到了和我相似经历的故事。那些过去被告知她们太敏感的女孩们,实在是太多了。男孩们被教育要像个男子汉:“别那么多愁善感。”我认识到,过去不只我一个人在自我检讨。是我的女儿让我会想起了我过去的种种感受。我们在海滩上,这是难得的一天。我关掉手机,列入日历:“和女孩们在海滩上的一天”。我把毛巾放在海浪够不到的地方睡着了。当我醒来的时候,我看到我的女儿把沙子像这样洒在她的胳膊上,我能感觉到沙子在她的皮肤上轻微的痒痒,并且我回想起了姨妈给我梳头发的情景。

So I curled up next to her and I drizzled sand on her other arm and then her legs. And then I said, “Hey, you want me to bury you?” And her eyes got really big and she was like, “Yeah!” So we dug a hole and I covered her in sand and shells and drew this little mermaid tail. And then I took her home and lathered her up in the shower and massaged her scalp and I dried her off in a towel. And I... Ah. How many times had I done that? Bathed her and dried her off, but had I ever stopped and paid attention to the sensations that I was creating for her?

所以我蜷缩在她旁边,把沙子洒在她的另一只胳膊上,然后是她的腿上。然后我说:“嘿,想让我把你埋起来吗?”她瞪大了眼睛高兴地说:“是的!”所以我们挖了一个洞,我用沙子和贝壳盖住她,画了个小美人鱼的尾巴。然后我把她带回家,在淋浴时给她涂肥皂,按摩她的头皮,用毛巾把她擦干。我想...。我这么做过多少次?给她洗澡,把她咋干,但我有没有停下来注意过我为她创造的感觉呢?

I would been treating her like she was on same assembly lone of children needing to be fed and put to bed. And I realized that when I dry my daughter off in a towel tenderly the way a lover would, I am teaching her to expect that kind of touch. I am teaching her in that moment about intimacy. About how to love her body and respect her body. I realized there are parts of the talk that can’t be conveyed in words. In her book, “Girls and Sex,” writer Peggy Orenstein finds that young women are focusing on their partner’s pleasure, not their own.

我过去一直对待她,就像对待流水线上需要喂养和哄睡的孩子一样。我意识到,当我以一个爱人的方式,用毛巾温柔地擦干我女儿的身体时,我正在教她期待那种接触。在那一刻,我一直在教她关于亲密。如何爱护、尊重她的身体。我意识到谈话的某些部分是无法用语言来传达。作家佩吉·奥伦斯坦,在她的《女孩与性》一本书中指出,年轻女性关注的是伴侣的快乐,而不是她们自己的快乐。

This is something I am gonna talk about with my girl when they are older, but for now, I look for ways to help them identify what gives them pleasure and to practice articulating that. “Rub my back,” my daughter says when I tuck her in. And I say, “Ok, how do you want me to rub your back?”“I don’t know.” she says. So I pause, waiting for her direction. Finally she says,” OK, up and to the right, like you are tickling me.” I run my fingertips up her spine. “What else?” I ask. “Over to the left, a little harder now.”

这是我要和我的女儿们在她们长大后谈论的话题,但现在,我在寻找方法帮助她们识别什么能给她们带来快乐,并练习表达出来。“摸摸我的背”,当我给女儿掖被子时,她说。我说:“好啊,你想让我怎么帮你摸摸后背啊?”“我不知道,”她说。于是我停下来,等待她的指示。最后她说:“好吧,向上向右,就像你在逗我一样。”我的指尖划过她的脊椎。“还做什么?”我问。“往左边,再用力一点。”

We need to teach our children how to articulate their sensations so they are familiar with them. I look for ways to plat games with my girls at home to do this. I scratch my fingernails on my daughter’s arm and say, “Give me one word to describe this.”“Violent”. she says. I embrace her, hold her tight. “Protected”, she tells me. I find opportunities to tell them how I am feeling, what I am experiencing so we have common language. Like right now, this tingling in my scalp down my spine means I am nervous and I am exited.

我们需要教我们的孩子如何清除地表达他们的感觉,以便他们熟悉这些。我通过和女儿们在家玩游戏来寻找做到这些的方式。我用手指甲抓住女儿的手臂说:“给我一个词来描述这个。”“暴力”,她说。我抱住她,紧紧地保证她。“保护”,她告诉我。我找机会告诉她们我的感受、我的经历,所以我们有共同的语言。就像现在,我头皮的刺痛感传到了我的脊椎,这意味着我既紧张又兴奋。

You are likely experiencing sensations in response to me. The language I am using, the ideas I am sharing. And our tendency is to judge these reactions and sort them into a hierarchy: better or worse, and then seek or avoid them. And that is cause we live in this binary culture and we are taught from a very young age to sort the world into good and bad. “Did you like that book?”“Did you have a good day?” How about, “what did you notice about that story?”“Tell me a moment about your day.”“what did you learn?”

你可能对我的感受经历有了反应。我使用的语言,我分享的想法。我们倾向于判断这些反应并把它们分成等级:好或坏,然后寻找或避免。这是因为我们生活在一个二元文化中,我们从小就被教育要把世界分成好好坏。“你喜欢那本书吗?”“你今天过得好吗?”比如:“关于那个故事你注意到了什么?”“给我讲讲你这一天的情况。”“你学到了什么?”

Let’s teach our children to stay open and curious about their experiences, like a traveler in a foreign land. And that way they can stay with sensation without checking out, even the heightened and challenging ones, the way I did, the way so may of us have. This sense education, this is education I want for my daughters. Sense education is what I needed as a girl. It is what I hope for all of our children. It is awareness of sensation, it’s where we began as children. It is what we can learn from our children and it is what we can in turn remind our children as they come of age. Thank you.

让我们教育我们的孩子保持开放的心态,对他们的经历充满好奇,就像一个在异国他乡的旅行者。这样他们就可以保持知觉状态,不用自我检讨,即使是高度紧张和具有挑战性的感知,我的方式,我们很多人的方式。这种关于感觉的教育,是我想为我的女儿们提供的。感觉教育是我作为一个女孩所需要的。这是我对我们所有孩子的期望,这种知觉意识,就是我们孩童时期开始的地方,这是我们可以从我们孩子身上学到的东西。当他们长大成人的时候,我们也可以反过来提醒我们的孩子。谢谢。

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