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爱真的能永恒吗?

Can Love Actually Last??
爱真的能永恒吗?
1107字
2019-11-08 09:00
66阅读
火星译客

Listener Claire from Los Angeles writes that she and her partner have been together for two years, but recently she’s begun to worry the spark is gone. She’s interested in how love changes over time—are you supposed to feel like you’ve nested? Is that a good sign or a bad sign?

来自洛杉矶的听众卡莱尔(Claire)写到,她和她的伴侣已经在一起两年了,但最近她开始担心他们之间的爱情火花已经消逝了。她对爱会如何随着时间变化感兴趣——你是否感到深陷爱情之中?这是好,还是坏?

So for this week’s episode, I set out to write about the stages of a relationship, but after digging through the research, I discovered that, unlike grief, with its denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance model, there’s no go-to stage theory for romantic love.  

所以这周的节目中,我要写爱情关系阶段的内容。但在深挖研究结果后,我发现爱情关系的情感与悲伤不尽相同,它有着背叛,愤怒,妥协,压抑和各种影响因素。浪漫的爱没有必然性。

But what I did dig up was really interesting. Here are three schools of thought on the nature of romantic love:

我发现的东西也着实有趣。这下面是对浪漫爱情本质的三种主要观点。

School of Thought #1: Passionate versus Companionate Love

主要观点之一:激/情之爱对上同伴之爱

You might also call this the old school model of love. The theory has reached the holy grail of research in that it’s become common household knowledge. But is it true?

你可能称这种爱为老式爱情典范。该理论已成为家庭常识,对其的研究已经近乎完全。但事实如此吗?

In the 1960’s, two pioneering social psychologists, Drs. Ellen Berscheid and Elaine Hatfield, started out in a field that was then thought of as an oxymoron: relationship science. But in 1969, they named the two stages of long-term love we’re all familiar with. The first, passionate love, marks the beginning of a relationship. In it, you have strong feelings of love (and lust) for your new partner. You walk on sunshine and annoy all your friends with your infatuation. You are nourished, somehow, by your obsession with your beloved. Passionate love is thought to last anywhere from a few months to a couple of years.  

在60年代,两位社会心理学家的先锋,艾伦波斯切特(Ellen Berscheid)和伊莱恩海特菲尔德(Elaine Hatfield)博士启动了一项研究,这个研究领域后来被认为是一个矛盾的领域:人际关系学。但在1969年,他们命名了久爱的两个阶段,这两个阶段我们早已熟知。第一个阶段,激/情之爱。这通常标志着一段关系的开始。在这个阶段你对伴侣的爱和性之欲有着强烈的感受。你会感受到如沐春风,也会对你痴恋之人身边的所有朋友感到嫉妒。你对她(他)的痴恋不知不觉中滋养着你。激/情之爱可能会持续几个月到两三年不等。

As nice as security and comfort are, companionate love sounds to a lot of people like a breakup cliche—'I think of you as my best friend.'

话可说的真好听,同伴之爱对很多人听起来就像一个分手的烂套话——“我觉得你像我最好的朋友。”

Next comes the second stage, companionate love, in which love settles in for the long haul. Here, the passion ebbs. Wisdom, care, and affection flow on, but it’s more like a deep friendship. It’s been described as a “warm afterglow,” with emphasis on “after”—in other words, the honeymoon is over. As nice as security and comfort are, companionate love sounds to a lot of people like a breakup cliche—"I think of you as my best friend."

现在我们来到第二个状态,同伴之爱。这种爱往往持续时间长久。这个阶段,热情褪去,智慧,关心,还有吸引力慢慢流失,但这更像一种深刻的友谊。这被称为一种“温暖的余光”,换句话说——蜜月过了,重点是“过了”。话可说的真好听,同伴之爱对很多人听起来就像一个分手的烂套话——“我觉得你像我最好的朋友。”

School of thought #2: Next comes the second stage, companionate love, in which love settles in for the long haul.

主要观点之二:爱情三角

Along comes Robert Sternberg. His 1986 Triangular Theory—not to be confused with that mainstay of soap operas, the love triangle—thought about love as a mix-and-match outfit of three parts. The ingredients are these: passion, intimacy, and commitment.

接下来登场的是罗伯特斯滕伯格(Robert Sternberg)还有他的三角理论——别和肥皂剧里的套路剧情搞混淆了。爱情三角理论认为爱是由三个部分相互交融嵌合起来的。这些三种成分是:“热情,亲密,承诺”。

For example, mix intimacy and passion, but leave out commitment, and you get the obsession of passionate love. Intimacy plus commitment, but no passion? That’s companionate love. Just passion? You’re in lust. Just intimacy? You’ve got a friend.

打个比方,把亲密和热情组合在一起但丢下承诺,你就得到了那令人痴醉的热情之爱。亲密加承诺,但没有热情?那就是同伴之爱。若只有激/情?那你就是个色鬼。若只有亲密?那你就多了个朋友。

Just passion? You’re in lust. Just intimacy? You’ve got a friend.

若只有激/情?那你就是个色鬼。若只有亲密?那你就多了个朋友。

And in the elusive type Sternberg called consummate love? You get all three facets, though he noted that over the course of a relationship, passion slides, intimacy grows, and commitment rises but eventually levels off. 

那么那种复杂的,斯滕伯格称之为圆满的爱呢?他提到在一段关系中你有了爱的三个方面,如果热情下滑,那么亲密和承诺就会增长,但最终三者都会持平。

Sternberg’s theory moved the field forward because it wasn’t a one-size-fits all model and it accounted for many different kinds of love. But it also carried forward the passionate/companionate paradigm that after the initial spark, the passion inevitably dies out.

斯特恩伯格的理论推动了这一领域的发展,因为它不是一种千篇一律的模型,它解释了许多种不同的爱情。但它也发扬了热情与同伴之爱的这种典例,在最初的爱情火花之后,热情不可避免地消失了。

School of thought #3: Sustained Love

主要观点之三:持久的爱

Even many years later, the prevailing idea is still that love dies, or at least fizzles, which is just sad. But more importantly, it doesn’t match up with people’s experience. Indeed, in a 2012 paper in Social Psychological and Personality Science, more than 35% of people married 30 years or more reported being “very intensely in love.” And the researchers wondered, what was up with that?

即使过去了许多年,爱总会逝去的观念仍然经久不衰,若不是逝去,至少也会萎缩,这真是让人神伤。但更重要的是,这个观念与人们的经验并不相符。确实,在2012年的社会心理学和人格学报告中显示,超过35%的有30年婚龄人士还“深深的爱着”。那么研究员就想知道,这到底是怎么一回事?

To find out, some of the same researchers did another study; they used fMRI to scan the brains of people in long marriages (an average of 21 years) who, in the best part of this study, were recruited by ads that asked ‘Are you still madly in love with your long-term partner?’ Who knew study recruitment could be adorable?

为了找出原因,作报告的研究人员当中一部分人去做了另一个研究;他们使用了fMRI来扫描久婚人士的大脑(平均婚龄21年),该研究最棒的部分就是,研究对象都是被这则广告召集起来的:“你是否仍然痴狂地爱着你的长期伴侣?”谁知道研究招聘能如此可爱呢?

Then each participant had their brain scanned while they looked at photos of four different people: their partner, a long-term friend, an acquaintance they had known as long as the partner, and a new acquaintance. What happened? When participants looked at the picture of their partner, they showed increased brain activity in the dopamine-rich areas that drive reward and motivation, the same areas that light up with food or drugs. But guess what? Not only did this not happen with pictures of the friend or acquaintances, but the parts of the brain that showed increased activity were the same as in individuals who were newly in love. In other words, neurally at least, long-term romantic love can look pretty much the same as a new relationship. Take that, companionate fizzle.  

随后每个参与者扫描了他们看到四幅不同图片时的大脑,分别是:他们的伴侣,一个长期朋友,一个与他伴侣认识时间同样久的相知,一个刚刚认识的人。参与者看到他们的伴侣时发生了什么?他们在大脑多巴胺富集地区的脑活动增加了,这个区域会驱动反馈和动机,与食物和药物引起反应的区域相同。但你猜怎么着?这种反应在朋友或相知的图片观看时不会出现,但在一对进入爱情不久的个体中也有一样的活动增强反应。换句话说,至少对神经元来说,长久的浪漫看起来和一段新的关系看起来很相似。这样,同伴之爱就失败了。

Neurally at least, long-term romantic love can look pretty much the same as a new relationship. Take that, companionate fizzle.

至少对神经元来说,长久的浪漫看起来和一段新的关系看起来很相似。这样,同伴之爱就失败了。

So what conclusion should our listener Claire come to? Well, there’s no one right answer. Long-term romantic love is, we now know, certainly possible, but obviously not with every relationship. Sometimes it’s not the right match from the get-go, sometimes you just grow apart over the years. Most people need a few relationship tries at bat before they hit that home run.  

那么我们的听众卡莱尔应该得到什么结论呢?好吧,这没有定论。我们现在知道,长久的浪漫肯定是可能的,但显然不是每一段关系都能长久。有时一开始就没有选对人,有是只是几年后自然分开了。大部分人需要经历几段感情才能找到最终的归宿。

And even when you do find the right match, there is work to do. Indeed, you don’t get the takeout version of a soulmate—a neatly packaged product delivered directly to your door—instead, a soulmate has to be home-cooked, made with time and care.  

而即使你找到了那个他(她),这也还一段路要走。诚然,你没法拿上一个整洁的盒子把你的灵魂伴侣包装好然后直送门口——相反,一个灵魂伴侣必须是自己“烹饪”的,花上时间,还有心思。

To wrap up, at a wedding I recently attended, the officiant made a point of saying to the bride and groom, “Instead of wishing you good luck, I wish you good work.” But it’s not thankless work—it’s work that, done well and with an equally committed partner—can make you one of those people who answered the ad, saying, yes, after all these years, I am still madly in love.  

总结一下,在我最近参加的一场婚礼上,主持人对新娘和新郎说:“与其希望你好运,不如希望你一切顺利。”但这并不是一项费力不讨好的工作——这是一份做得很好的工作,并且有一个同样忠诚的合作伙伴,可以让您成为回应那则研究招聘广告的人之一,他们会说——是的,这些年来,我仍然疯狂地爱着。

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